Disappointing News

Body: The news from the doctor today was not what we had hoped. I feel badly not being able to give some encouraging news to you. So many of you have emailed, texted, called and commented on the fact that you are praying for me and my family. I'm truly grateful and deeply blessed.

However, the PET scan revealed that the cancer has spread and is no longer confined to the lymph system but has become a systemic issue. Some of you who have spent time with me recently know that I have had some upper back and neck pain. I had thought this was from working out at the gym too aggressively too early. But it is because the cancer is pressing against the spinal column. As the doctor showed us the PET scan, it lit up like a Christmas tree...and that is NOT a good thing.

He sent me down immediately for an MRI so next steps could be planned. The immediate concern is the spinal cord, so radiation is being scheduled to begin tomorrow! I received a call from the doctor this evening as I was coming home and I will be in his office at 10:00 am tomorrow. This will probably be just 10 radiation treatments.

Meanwhile, I'll be starting on some new meds and my doctor will be giving a new type of chemo in the near future to try to address the many other places where the cancer is active.

I won't try to be coy or cute or brave, this was hard news for our family and we are working it through before the Lord this evening. Thanks for praying for us.

Spirit: Over the last several days I wondered what I would share with you on the blog tonight and what has just hit me is this: I'd like to share a "patchwork quilt." A patchwork quilt often has great significance because each of the patches either represents something special or is taken from a fabric which has special meaning. So here is the patchwork quilt I share with you this evening. I know it will keep us all "warm" in His grace:

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.' The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:21-26

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want..." Psalm 23:1

A friend reminded me of a message my dad preached a number of times from Genesis 22 where Abraham is asked to sacrifice Isaac but at the last moment God provides a substitute. And Abraham learns another name for God, "The Lord Will Provide." Genesis 22:14

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:29-31

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far..." Philippians 1:21-23

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

There will probably be a number of updates over the next few days, so I may just add a few more "patches" to the quilt with each update. This quilt could get pretty big, pretty fast!! Thanks for praying and caring.

25 Down, 0 To Go!!

Body: Yes, you read it right! I finished my radiation treatments yesterday morning and can gratefully say that the side effects have not been too difficult to endure. I was prepared for something much worse than I experienced and I know that fervent prayer has played a critical role in this entire process of being carried through treatment. Other than some X's on my body which should wear off sometime:-); a little difficulty with swallowing which I'm told will quickly improve; and some chest and back redness from the radiation, I'm doing great. I didn't experience the severe reactions that "might have been" and my strength has actually improved over the last three weeks. Even my hair has started returning (just in time for winter)!! Thank you for praying for me and my family.

A PET scan has been scheduled for December 23 at Yale. This will help us determine the effectiveness of the radiation and check the rest of my body for evidence of cancer. Obviously, this is another important test, which my Father already knows all about. Please join me and my family in praying for clear results.

Spirit: God's Work Continues Acts 12:1-19

What an incredible miracle the Lord accomplished in bringing Peter out of prison in spite of being guarded by sixteen of Rome's finest soldiers. The story is filled with miracle after miracle. What makes it especially exciting is that this is a "last minute" rescue. Peter was going to trial the next morning!! Our God is able!! What a great story of His intervening power on display.

Something easily missed in all the excitement is that fervent prayer is taking place at the same time the miracles are occurring. Even though the answer to the believers' prayers was standing right outside their door, the weakness of the their faith is clearly evident. "It couldn't be Peter," they said. "He's in prison. The person knocking must be 'his angel'!" (verse 15) We ask for a miracle...and then explain it away when it occurs! Amazing and yet, I can identify!

As I have journeyed through this struggle with cancer, I'm so grateful that people whose faith is imperfect, just like mine is, have been fervently praying for me. I know that if the Lord chooses to heal me, the role of passionate prayer by a host of brothers and sisters in Christ cannot be minimized. It is amazing what He is able to do through frail vessels like us. If we see God's hand of healing at work, let's not doubt that HE has done GREAT things! May His work be an impetus for more fervent prayer and greater, stronger and more mature faith.

It IS my prayer that as we reflect back on this journey in the future, we will all be able to rejoice in God's powerful hand overcoming this cancer. But let me also point out another very important part of this passage. In verse 2 we see that instead of saving James, the Lord allowed him to be killed by Herod. In one instance, God answers through a remarkable series of miracles; in another, the Lord allows His own to be killed. Both are part of His plan; both are allowed by His loving hand; and both bring glory to His name.

There are mysteries to God's will which only the heart of God can fathom. In my mind, the "Peter" scenario is far better than the "James" scenario. That is what I pray will take place as I consider my situation. However, I am gratefully and trustingly in God's hand to further His Kingdom as He sees fit. If He chooses not to heal, my faith (our faith) in His greatness and goodness must not be diminished. My focus on His face must only be intensified. He truly knows what is best...and that is sufficient.

So, we win either way, as long as we remember that He is great and good in all He does and that the building of His Kingdom is truly the most important issue!

Radiation Underway

Body: 9 down, 16 to go!! The countdown continues. I'm 9 radiation treatments into a 25 treatment schedule. Sorry it has been so long since my last post. I have been getting emails and Facebook posts wondering what is happening.

So far the treatments are going well and there have been no noticeable side effects. There is a cumulative effect, so there may be some "surprises" waiting for me down the road. The doctor indicated that after treatment 10 I may begin to feel some effects. Thanks for praying.

I should finish up with all 25 treatments the day before Thanksgiving. Guess what I'll be thankful for this year!!

For those who are wondering about evaluating the effectiveness of these treatments, let me share the general schedule with you. I will not know anything new until the next PET scan which the oncologist says will take place in late December. The full effect of the radiation treatments won't be clear until three months after completion according to the radiologist. That's because there is inflammation which needs time to heal.

So, I feel I'm in a situation like the World War II pilots faced. The order to proceed with the mission has been given and we are under "total blackout" conditions until the mission is complete. There will be a couple months of "silence" while the mission proceeds and I'll be happy to give you results when there are any to share. Thanks for praying.

Spirit: The Right Words John 12:50

It is always so encouraging to speak a word and have confidence that it is exactly the right word for the situation. Jesus always had that feeling according to John 12:50, "So whatever I say is just what the Father has told Me to say." The reason He always had that feeling according to His own statement is not because He is God, but because He only said what the Father told Him to say. What's the difference? He IS God and He and the Father ARE one (John 10:30).

In one sense, they are the same; there is no difference, which is why I find Christ's statement interesting. The Godhead knows fully and communicates perfectly, so anything any One of them says is perfect. In another sense, though, there is a big difference and a significant instruction point for me. Jesus spoke only what the Father told Him to say. He listened and repeated. He didn't question, doubt, revise, re-word, shift or clarify. He just stated and repeated. His great concern was to hear His Father's voice...and repeat what the Father said. If that was important for Jesus here on earth, how much more important is it for me?

The closer I stick to the Word, the more confidence I'll have in what I say. The more His Word fills my life, the more it shapes my attitudes and words...and the more confidence I can have in their worth, accuracy and helpfulness; even when they are words of confrontation. This time I spend each morning in the Word is the most important time and appointment I have all day because it prepares me to speak with confidence in a variety of contexts.

"Lord, thank you for this time in Your Word. May I pay close attention so that Your truth permeates my being. I want to have something to say which reflects Your Word deeply etched into my soul."

A New Chapter

Body: As many of you know, I am heading into a new chapter in this battle with cancer. It is the radiation chapter. I have had a lot of questions about this chapter and was able to have a meeting with my oncologist of the past three years today. It was a very helpful meeting for me and I share some of the details with you.

Chemo has taken me almost as far as it is able. There are one or two more things that could be tried, but this cancer is just very resistant to most of the chemos that are available. What was very encouraging to me is that the doctor spoke with the radiologist and has great confidence in his training and skill to do the work that needs to be done. Also, the doctor is confident that even though the cancer has grown significantly, the type of radiation being given will be broad enough to encompass the entire area affected. Also, thus far, the resistant cancer appears to be localized in a relatively small area so the radiation may be very effective in removing it.

Two prayer requests as I start this journey on Wednesday: first, pray that the radiation would be effective in destroying the cancer it is targeting. There are situations where it is resistant even to radiation. Second, pray that the cancer is truly localized and when destroyed doesn't "spring up" in another spot at another time.

Thanks!!

Spirit: "Your Son Will Live" John 4:50

A distraught father seeks whatever help he can find for his dying son. The situation is grave and he has heard that the Man who is said to have turned water into wine some time ago has returned to Cana of Galilee. His home in Capernaum is not that far from Cana. It wouldn't matter if it was much further!! It couldn't hurt -- a last ditch effort to save his son -- so he goes to request a miracle of Jesus.

As this man pours out his heart to Jesus, he requests that Jesus come to Capernaum to heal his son. In His response, Jesus shares His concern with His growing popularity, "Unless you people see miraculous signs and wonders you will never believe." The crowds are looking for signs and wonders; Jesus is looking for faith.

Jesus finds just the right way to perform a miracle to meet the need of this man AND at the same time, grow the man's faith. Jesus says, "You may go. Your son will live." This wasn't the plan the father had in mind. Jesus was supposed to accompany him to Capernaum and heal his son. Now Jesus tells him to go home; that the son will live.

Do you see what Jesus has done? He has performed the miracle and at the same time challenged the man's faith. Will the father trust Jesus? The next sentence reads, "The man took Jesus at His word and departed." Faith grows in the father and his son is healed.

I really like the "son is healed" part of this story. I'm not as wild about the "faith grows" part...unless it is linked to the healing. Yet to Jesus, THAT is the most important part.

What has God been up to in this cancer? He knows I have cancer and that I desire healing. He could have kept this cancer from becoming aggressive. He could have healed me after one round of chemo. He certainly knows how unsettling the yo-yo of PET scan results is: bad, good, bad. Why isn't the radiation phase of treatment a "sure thing?" Do you see the issue? I'm just like that father. I keep pressing Him for the miracle. He keeps pressing for the trust.

So, will I "take Jesus at His word"? Will I exchange my priority for His? Will I trust Him and desire Him more than the miracle I seek? Will I exchange my natural desire of healing for His desire for faith growth?

Is my confidence based on doctors' prognoses, probabilities, skills, and treatment options? Or is it based on a look at the Savior's face knowing that He can heal -- no matter what the odds are?

The title of this blog is "Hope Does Not Disappoint." Hope is faith projected into the future. Do I really believe that whatever He plans will be right, satisfying, good, and pleasing? Yes, I do!

"Please, Lord, help me in my struggle to believe, rest and wait on You. May Your priority of faith development shape my focus on healing. Help me to ask well, but trust better!"

Continuing to "Press On"

Thanks to so many who have been praying for me and my family today. It has been so encouraging to receive texts, emails, Facebook wall posts, etc. indicating that you have been standing with us in prayer. We continue to be grateful and in need of that prayer support.

Body: Today was the PET scan and blood test to see what progress I've been making in this cancer battle. The blood levels have risen slowly...nothing great, but slowly (I am definitely a "slow student"). The levels also explain why I still struggle with much exertion, climbing stairs, etc. The PET scan showed that the cancer is growing again. It is significantly larger than it was at the last PET scan, but a little smaller than it was two PET scans ago, when it really flared. It is definitely resistant to chemo and is determined to make life challenging. The good news is that it continues to be localized in my chest.

Radiation therapy will begin as soon as possible to contain it and remove it. I have an appointment for Tuesday with the radiologist and the process will begin. Also, I was told I'll get a "good dose" of radiation...meaning that it will be 4 - 5 weeks of daily treatment (5 days a week).

Certainly this isn't the news we were hoping for, but we are confident of the Lord's wisdom, love and purpose for our family in this process. To Him be the glory!

Spirit: "Great Peace" Psalm 119:165

Doesn't that sound good? Great Peace!! Not just peace, shalom, wholeness and rightness in every area of life, but GREAT peace. The picture in my mind is one of absolute stability, no matter what. This is an unflappable person -- no matter what comes their way. This is a person with awareness, perspective, confidence and a hopeful outlook. As the verse points out, "...nothing can make them stumble." That's stability!!

How do you get these things in a life? Are you born with it; is it a function of controlling circumstances; is it a matter of having deep pockets (lots of money) or right friends (in high places)? None of these can assure a person of great peace...or even peace! But what these things can't assure, God's Word can.

How can a book do that? It is Who wrote the book -- the All-Powerful, All-Knowing, Always Present, Creator God. It is what the book contains -- only that which is truthful, reliable and trustworthy. And, it is how that truth, applied to a life, changes a man and focuses his heart. The result: GREAT Peace!

I have proven to myself again this week that I have a long way to go in letting that Word of God change me so great peace controls me. There are so many ways I get tripped up. When I think I have one area mastered, another blind spot surfaces. What is really frustrating is repeat courses. "I already took that course!" But it is back and I blew it...time to repeat the course. Praise God for His forgiveness and that the offer of great peace is never taken off the table.

"Lord, I want the rest of my days to be days of great peace. May Your Word do its work and may I willingly submit to it and You."

Press On

Body: This has been a great week for me. I didn't have to go to Yale for anything...and I didn't miss the trips or the IV's. It was a week to get some rest and get ready for today. I was able to preach this morning for the first time in several weeks and I was grateful for the strength and opportunity to do it. It was too long for a communion meditation, but people slept quietly:-)

While my stamina is still in short supply, I have felt better as the week progressed and my appetite has increased as well. Foods are starting to taste pretty good:-) Sleeping has improved, so I am generally doing very well.

Tuesday is the "big day" as I head to Yale for a PET scan, blood tests, and a meeting with doctors for results of the PET scan. I would appreciate your prayers as I prepare my heart for whatever news is shared.

Spirit: I must tell you that as I approach what I hope is the end of the chemo and a transition to radiation, I am so very grateful for so many who have offered great encouragement to me and my family. Some of those kindnesses have been huge; some have been small; all have been appreciated.

When the chemo was getting pretty intense earlier this summer and I was really feeling pretty lousy, a friend from many years ago mentioned the song, "Press On" by Selah in a Facebook post. I quickly did a YouTube search and found it. I have played it over and over again. I believe it is a powerful song which speaks of focused resolve. The Apostle Paul possessed it (Phil 3:12-14) and I pray that my life will exemplify it someday as well. Take a listen; I believe you will be encouraged and challenged: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Bg2cJ5bw2k

Slow Progress

Body: Progress has been measured in millimeters, not meters in recent days. I just haven't felt well and it isn't one specific thing, it is several. Blood levels have continued to remain low after the initial encouragement with the white blood cells. The reason: they stopped the booster shots so they could see how my body was doing on its own in manufacturing whites, reds and platelets. And, it wasn't doing too well.

On Saturday, my heart was "acting up" with some irregular heartbeats due to the atrial fibrillation. I had to take one of the heart pills which "whacked" me pretty hard. Discouraging.

On Sunday I went in to Yale to check my blood levels and everything was down. So, they gave me a bag of blood which wiped me out for the rest of the day...very discouraging.

Yesterday I just felt lousy all day. Couldn't pin it down, but there were several things that just weren't right...even more discouraging.

Today, however, I went back to Yale for an echocardiogram (for the cardiologist) and for a blood levels check and for the first time in a long time everything was moving in the right direction. Not anything major, but small, definite progress. How grateful I was for this wonderful encouragement. I felt much better today and I don't have to go back until Friday for another blood test.

Also, I received word that my next PET scan will be on Tuesday, October 5, so I ask you to keep that in prayer.

Spirit: "Meanwhile, back at the ranch...."

In spite of some of the struggles of the past couple of weeks, I must tell you that I have been deeply ministered to and encouraged by the men of our church. In the midst of struggle, the Lord always knows how to bring encouragement. This past Saturday, twenty-four guys descended on our house with paint brushes, ladders, enthusiasm and hearts of gold. Seven-and- one-half hours later, the exterior of our house was painted -- trim and siding! What a great demonstration of love and concern for a brother who just couldn't do the work.

These guys worked hard and did excellent work. The house is beautiful and my family and I are so grateful. I've included some pictures of the event in progress so you can see the great blessing I received.

So there you have it; the body ministering to one another that God might be glorified and needs might be met.

Quick Update

Body: I am home!! I was able to come home last night after receiving two transfusions (reds and platelets) yesterday. It was great to be home.

But here is the exciting news (to me...act excited): Saturday's white cell count was .1; Sunday's was .2; Monday's was .8; and today, it was up to 2.7!! It appears those stem cells have found homes and are starting to do some work!! Thanks for rejoicing with me.

Spirit: I thank God for His faithfulness and this encouragement; His Name is near.

Continue to pray about the low grade fever with which I have struggled and the stabilizing of the blood levels (the reds and platelets, especially). Thanks so much.

Sunday Worship

Body: It has been more than a week since I last published an update...and the reason is simply that I outlined the process in the last blog and we have just been in the implementation phase, which takes time.

The intensive chemo was received last Wednesday and Thursday (Sept. 1 & 2); the stem cell transplant went well on Friday (Sept. 3). The doctors indicated that the following two weeks would be a challenge as the blood levels dropped and side effects were experienced.

I've found that to be true:-) as the blood levels did indeed drop to a point that by Wednesday (Sept. 8) I was hospitalized as a precautionary measure to prevent infection and to monitor my heart closely. And the hospital is where I've been since Wednesday!! It gets old being in a hospital, even one as fine as Yale-New Haven. Rooms and services are wonderful and the staff has been a joy to get to know...but I'd rather be home and in ministry.

Yesterday was a difficult day as the blood levels continued to be very low and my stomach was more upset than usual. However, today I have been feeling much better and even got to take a shower this morning! My port line was out for a couple of hours so I caught a real shower which felt great (now you know the real reason they wouldn't allow visitors:-)). Also this morning, I believe I saw the first signs of my body starting to recover. My white count went from .1 to .2 (that's a 100% increase!!)...small but real!

So the couple of days will determine the length of my sojourn here at Yale and I would appreciate you praying that those stem cells would find a nice home in my bone marrow and start to really go to work!!

Spirit: His Name Is Near Psalm 75:1

This passage has caught my eye before but it had special significance this morning as I was here in a hospital room and not with my church family at Calvary.

Asaph begins with the familiar theme of giving thanks to God. However, the reason he gives thanks is unexpected. The typical reasons for which I thank God are many: for His greatness; for His great works; for His forgiveness; for His loving kindness; for.... I could go on and on. But Asaph doesn't thank God directly for these. He gives thanks "for Your Name is near."

What an interesting statement. As I have reflected on it, two things stand out. First, is the issue of His constant presence. He is "near." I wasn't able to be in church this morning, but He was near as I worshiped Him in a hospital room. Meanwhile, my church family worshiped Him in Trumbull...and He was near. I received a text from Moses this afternoon and I think about the believers he led in worship in Pageri, New Sudan today...and God was near. There is no place any of us can go where He is not "near." How comforting and challenging...all at the same time.

Second, Asaph's choice of the phrase "Your Name" really is a very powerful expression which broadens the application of this passage. God's Names express truth about His character. Since He is infinite, there is no single Name that can fully describe Him. So, rather than pick one Name or "descriptor" of Him, which would limit his thanksgiving, Asaph includes them all, by using the general "Your Name."

So, whatever quality or characteristic of God was needed at any moment, Asaph could give thanks because THAT quality was near!! As I was in the hospital room this morning I could give thanks because the God who is Peace, the Healer, the Stronghold and the Encourager was near. And for each one who met in Trumbull today to worship, they could give thanks because the God who is the Refuge, the Shepherd, the Provider, the Banner, the All-Powerful One, the Rock, the Savior, the Faithful One was there with them...whatever their need.

"(I) give thanks to You, O God, (I) give thanks, for Your Name is near...." and that is sweet!!

Stem Cells Reclaimed!!

Body: After two days of intensive chemo (Wed. & Thurs.), I received the stem cell transplant on Friday. Those of you who have been following this journey know that those stem cells are actually my own and were gathered in late July and frozen. So, now they are back in my own body and getting ready to rebuild the bone marrow which the intensive chemo is wiping out (along with any remaining cancer...hopefully).

While I'm definitely experiencing side effects, I am very grateful that I have not been feeling too badly. I was able to spend some time outside cutting the grass today and have felt well enough to eat.

Beginning tomorrow, I will be heading to Yale each morning for blood work which will determine just what treatments are needed (platelets, transfusion, fluids, etc.). Blood levels are expected to drop and by Wednesday I will most likely be admitted to the hospital to monitor my condition carefully. The doctor expects this hospitalization could last up to a week.

Spirit: "Praise Awaits You" Psalm 65:1

David makes a strong statement as he begins this Psalm. He indicates that as God enters Zion He can expect to receive praise. As he goes on through the Psalm, he describes why God can expect praise - - from His forgiveness, to answered prayer, to His kind deeds, to the wonderful land, to the provision of rain and crops, to the sheer bounty -- God is good and gracious to His people!

Can God expect praise every time He comes to the sanctuary of my heart? The same provisions David describes in the Psalm are experienced by me on a daily basis. However, praise is not what He can expect, sadly, on many occasions from my life. While I know He understands the hurts of hearts and the Gethsemane struggles we face, isn't or shouldn't there be opportunity for Him to expect praise for His presence, goodness and grace in my life? (See Psalm 63:2-5)

That needs to be at the core of my being today. It will shape my focus and my priorities. It will also affect that which God can expect when He visits the sanctuary of my life.

"Lord, may that be true of me during these next days and beyond as I enjoy Your blessings even as I struggle with Your choice of path at times. You deserve my praise...always. Come, Lord, and receive the praise that is due You."

The Next Step

Body: The last few days have been very good and I've been able to meet with staff and give some input into the ministry. I've felt great and eaten well...such a life!!

This is all in anticipation of the next step in the treatment process which begins tomorrow morning at 11:00 am. After blood work, initial questions, paperwork, etc. I will receive my first dose of intensive chemo. I receive the second dose on Thursday and I receive the stem cell transplant on Friday. It should be quite a week!

I get Saturday "off" (as the effects of the chemo begin to be felt). Then I have 10 straight days of trips to the hospital for blood work and treatment as the blood levels need to be monitored closely along with other potential side effects.

The next two weeks will be tough on the body!

Spirit: "Cast Your Cares" Psalm 55:22

I kid you not, this was the Psalm I was scheduled to read today...and I'm so grateful for this very basic reminder which I share with you.

Here is David, a man of God, a man who has experienced God's protection and provision so many times and in so many ways, calling out to God in fear and trembling, experiencing the terrors of death (see vs 4-5). This isn't a giant or even an army which can be opposed face to face...might against might. It is the intrigue of one of David's trusted friends who is disloyal and has influenced many people in the city against him...but how many? And who? David feels great fear because he can't see the hearts of the people and he doesn't know how to face this "foe."

All he knows is that God sustains him. The climax of the Psalm is vs 22-23. His job is to cast his cares on the Lord and God's job is to sustain him.

That is not an easy thing to do and it gives me encouragement to realize that David struggled with this. Our enemy may be another person, a disease, the unknown, a relationship, a decision, a financial situation or some other struggle. Each can seem overwhelming at times. We lie awake at night thinking and worrying. Our minds run down the path of "what if" which brings us to the point of sheer terror. We read into circumstances, conversations, even "looks" and other non-verbals which come our way. We physically get sick or depressed. And what good does it do?

There is a better solution. I intend to practice it as this next round of treatment and all the unknowns come my way. "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall." Now that's a good deal and a great way to live life!

"Lord, my cares are many; You are greater. Please sustain Your servant in my weakness and distress. You are my God."

Answered Prayer

Body: Many of you knew that today was an important day for me with another PET scan and then the appointment with the doctor for results and next steps. As he came into the office, he was clearly thrilled with the results. He said this was the best PET scan I've had!

This doesn't mean all the cancer is gone, but the area affected is now extremely small. He pulled up all of the PET scans (4 of them) for comparison and what a contrast! It is now much smaller than it has ever been!

To avoid toxicity to my lungs, he has changed this last chemo and reduced the number of days to administer it. This intensive chemo will take place next Wednesday and Thursday followed by the stem cell transplant on Friday.

The following two weeks plus will be intense, with side effects, daily visits to Yale, transfusions, etc.

The doctor is convinced that I will need significant radiation therapy following the chemo and stem cell transplant. This will take place following the recovery from the stem cell transplant.

Spirit: All the praise for this wonderfully encouraging report goes to our Great God. Praise His Name!! This report is also a direct answer to the faithful and fervent prayers of so many who have loved and stood by us during these challenging days. Thank you.

I am deeply grateful to and humbled by God's grace and the expressions of your commitment to pray. Please do not stop. While this is a very encouraging report, the work is not finished and the next few weeks will be critically important in the continued treatment of this cancer.

Last night I determined that I would praise God regardless of the test results. Tonight it is very easy to praise the Lord and I do so with all my heart:

"Praise God from Whom all blessings flow; Praise Him all creatures here below.
Praise Him above ye heavenly host; Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen!"

Waiting On Him

Body: Feeling pretty good today! Was outside and even cut the grass! It was a great day to enjoy some cooler temperatures and God's creation. While I still tire easily, I am grateful that blood levels have been moving in the right direction. Recovery from this past chemo has been much slower than from some of the others. Maybe my body is in rebellion:-)!

Spirit: Psalm 23:3b-4a "The Path He Chooses"

I've been reflecting on this passage for the last couple of weeks and it has really ministered to and challenged my soul.

I've read and recited this passage many times, but only casually reflected on what it means. I've always thought that the phrase, "He leads me in paths of righteousness..," indicated what He expected from me as I follow Him. He desires holiness, purity, goodness, etc. in all that I do. That righteousness becomes a way of life. While there may be truth in that, I have seen something else as I reflect on my life circumstances at present and it totally focuses back on the Shepherd: the path He chooses is always right, good, pure, perfect. The shepherd makes the choice of paths for the sheep and what this Shepherd chooses is always right.

This is where I became aware of a tie-in with verse 4 which I hadn't seen before. His path is the right path, "even though I walk through the valley..." This Shepherd takes His sheep on the right path and sometimes that includes deep valleys...inexplicable struggles and mysteries...but it is the right path...because He chose it.

The reason I know He chooses the path for my life carefully is this, "He leads me in paths of righteousness for His Name's sake." Two thoughts strike me about this important phrase. First, God's purpose in all that He does is to bring glory to Himself. Not in an arrogant way, but because there is no greater good than His glory. He chooses right paths for my life so that He will receive maximum glory. How great is that?

Second, the sheep are owned by the shepherd. They are his sheep and are totally dependent on the shepherd to choose a path that will benefit and protect them. They just don't know what is best. Therefore He chooses the path for their benefit as well as His glory...even when it includes the dark valley. God chooses my path carefully because I am His child. His name is attached to me. Because of this, He is vitally concerned about the path that is chosen for me.

The response of the sheep to the shepherd's leading cannot be taken for granted...especially as it applies to our relationship with the Good Shepherd. I need to remember and embrace my role in this relationship with God: He's the Shepherd, I'm the sheep. He leads, I follow. He is infinite, I am finite. He commands, I obey.

This relationship of sheep and Shepherd works well as long as I am in agreement with the paths He chooses. It becomes problematic for me when He takes me on a path that includes the valley, especially the dark valley. Everything within me says, "Hold it! You've made a mistake! This can't be the right path; it's too steep, dark and difficult." In those moments, what I believe about God is tested along with my willingness to trust Him. These are the critical moments when faith can grow stronger and God reveals something very special about Himself: His presence. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for You are with me!!"

No matter what path He chooses for me, I am not alone. He doesn't select a path and send me...He leads me, never leaving me alone! Can there be any greater comfort than this? So, as I wait for tomorrow's tests, which He already knows about, I am grateful for the comfort Psalm 23:3b-4a brings: He has chosen THE right path for my life, for His glory and my good...and He will be with me each step of the way. I am greatly blessed!!

Back "On the Air"

Body:

It has been quite awhile since I posted an entry on this blog. It has been a challenging couple of weeks, but I am grateful that I'm feeling better and am able to bring you up-to-date on what is happening. So many of you have been so encouraging through your notes, cards, emails, and assurance of prayer support.

Today's blood report was encouraging and, except for a 20 minute infusion of magnesium, I was told my blood levels are moving in the right direction, even though they are still low. Please pray for those platelets and red cells especially!!

Thursday is a big day for me. I'll have another blood levels check, a PET scan and meet with the doctor. I should have a clear reading on the effectiveness of the last round of chemo and what the next step in treatment will be. We'll try to post something later on Thursday or Friday. Thanks.

Spirit: "Hope for Healing" Psalm 33:16-19

My thoughts and focus recently have been on being open and willing to embrace God's will even if it isn't my desire. This passage has been a breath of fresh air as I anticipate the PET scan of Thursday.

The psalmist makes it clear that the size of the army isn't the key to success (Might he have Gideon in mind?). Conventional wisdom says that the larger army wins! The psalmist says that strength and overwhelming power won't necessarily win the day (Might he have the Israelites and the Red Sea in mind?). Conventional wisdom says the more fire power you have, the more sure the victory.

The psalmist says God is focused on those who hope in Him; who know His loyal love; who put Him first and revere Him more than all/everything else. His response is to deliver from death and keep them alive in hard times.

My confidence is easily placed in statistics and probabilities, not God. When medical science says, "We've got this," I relax. When medical science stumbles, I get nervous. This whole cancer journey has been like that and as treatment after treatment has produced less than was desired, my comfort level has dropped and my heart has had to wrestle with where my confidence really lies. This passage summarizes it well for me. My hope for life and healing needs to be rightly place in the One who is greater and stronger than my cancer. I will look to Him with confidence and expectancy. He is able and good!

"Dear Lord, forgive me for the times my confidence is more influenced by conventional wisdom and probability than by the God who delivers from death...no matter what the odds!! Praise Your Holy Name."

Never a dull moment....

From Andrea: Just thought I'd fill you in about the last couple of days of treament for Dave. Sorry that you are only hearing from me, but seems he's been at the hospital more than he's been home these days. Guess that's part of the whole process.

This past week, we had been going every other day to the hospital to check his counts and for possible transfusions. Friday had a little "wrinkle" in it. As we were getting ready to go to the hospital, his heart had a little atrial fibrilation "episode". It continued til we got there, which was a GOOD thing because they were able to get an EKG of it. Nothing major, but they always want to be safe, so they arranged to have him transferred/admitted to cardiology for observation. Thankfully, his heart "kicked back in" to regular rhythm and the cardiologist just prescribed some meds in case it happened again and he let us go home! :) There's no place like home!

We went yesterday for another routine check of his blood levels and found his temperature was slightly elevated. He got platelets yesterday and they told him to come back Monday for a unit of blood. All this is "expected" because of the chemo treatment and what that does to your levels in your body. Because of his extremely low white blood cell count, we had to watch his temperature carefully throughout the day. It reached 100.4, which is the point where they tell you to call the hospital and be ready to be admitted for IV antibiotics. So, he spent the night at Yale receiving antibiotics. Throughout the night, the vitals showed his fever was gone but it's a little elevated this morning again. Please pray that the antibiotics will do their job and get rid of this "germ".

Just wanted to keep you posted. Thanks again for your prayers!

Quick note....

Hi again.....it's Andrea.

Dave felt pretty good today. He gets lightheaded and short of breath easily. Just finds he doesn't have much stamina. But we know that will eventually get better! :)

We went to Yale again this morning for his shot (to boost white blood cells) and for blood work to see how his "levels" are doing. Fortunately, we only had to wait for the blood work results to come back (which can take anywhere from 1 -2 hours) and then we were told we could go home. :) His levels were good enough that he didn't need a transfusion of anything today.

From now til the 23rd, we take a trip to Yale every other morning for the same thing....blood work. Depending on the results that come back, they could tell us we have to stay....sometimes it's because he needs platelets, sometimes potassium, sometimes magnesium, etc....and that means it takes up most of our day.

So that will be our schedule for a while. He does have to be careful, again...his white blood cell count is quite low and they don't want him to be around crowds. They gave us some masks for him to wear in case he HAS to go out. Hopefully the shots he is getting will help these levels to come up soon!

Thanks again for your prayers, many notes of encouragement, love, etc!

P.S. We're excited that my mom will be coming out from Wisconsin to visit us tomorrow! :) She'll be out in this area for about a month....staying with us, loving on her newest grandbabies (Paul and Kristine's kids), going up to Camp Spofford for Senior Citizen's week, and visiting her cousin in NJ for few days! Will be nice to have her here......we'll miss having dad with her, but we're looking forward to a great visit with my mom! :)

How's Dave?

That has been the question that I have been getting over and over and over again. :) And it is not a bother to me, just a reminder that so many people are praying for us, love us, and want to encourage us! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

This is Andrea, again......"guest blogger".

How is Dave? Well....he's making progress. :) Saturday was a long day. Since the last chemo treatment was completed on Friday night, he anticipated getting home by at least noon on Saturday. What we didn't know, was that the medication (to protect his kidneys from the strong chemo) that they put on his IV "rack" in the morning was set at "a snail's pace" and would not be finished til 6pm that evening! He was also fighting nausea all day....just couldn't quite get on top of it with the meds. Talk about a long day! (It was only made worse because of the fact that we thought we'd be out of there by early afternoon. He just wanted to recuperate AT HOME.)

Sunday was a tough day. Those of you who have been through strong chemo know how awful you feel. Pastor Scott had told us the focus of Sunday's sermon (Psalm 31) and that there would be a time of prayer for Dave so, even in the midst of the "yuckiness" of the day, we were encouraged knowing that our church family was being reminded of God's goodness in the midst of difficulties, and we were reminded of that as well! Pastor Scott said, "Our circumstances may change but our God never changes! -- He is our Refuge, our Rock and our Fortress." So neat for our church family to grasp that truth not only for the situation we are going through, but also for whatever difficult situations each of them face! We also heard from many other church families that they were praying for us in their respective church services as well. We are SO humbled and blessed by the outpouring of love and prayer support!

And we thought Sunday was bad?!? Monday was worse :( The nausea was really intense...couldn't keep any of his pills down. He had a prior appointment to be at Yale that morning to be checked, even though he had a hard time figuring out how he was even going to make it to the car; he felt so awful. BUT....he got there, was given fluids, an anti-nausea shot, potassium, magnesium, and a FEW of his stem cells back -- this is not the transfusion that will be coming in the future -- these few stem cells were just a booster to help him "bounce back" from the harsh chemo effects on his blood cells. By 3pm he was heading home again and tried as best he could to get through the rest of that day.

Tuesday? Sigh of relief......much better day! After a good night's sleep (thanks to anti-nausea meds and sleeping meds), he was feeling a lot better and was even hungry to eat something! That was a good change! :) While he still feels "mack-trucked" and has a hard time concentrating/focusing for long periods of time, he is happy that his stomach has settled down a bit.

We know there will be ups and downs.....(the nurses warned us that symptoms could get worse) but we know that so many are praying for us and we will get through it all with God's help!

And how are the girls and I? God is SO good and SO amazing....it does our hearts well as parents to see God working in their lives, drawing them to Himself and teaching them lessons, even though they are very hard. Let me share from their most recent Facebook "status posts" to give you a quick glimpse into their determination to hang on to the Lord even in the midst of this "cancer journey" with their dad:

Krista:

"Blessed be Your name
when the sun's shining down on me,
when the world's 'all as it should be',
blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name,
on the road marked with suffering,
though there's pain in the offering,
blessed be Your name."


Elise:

‎"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him" Nahum 1:7


Jessica:

"It's not that I don't have an answer... it's just not the one that I'd like. But through this time, Lord, I must keep in mind that you're always wiser than I. You have a much better purpose, You have a far greater plan, and You have a bigger perspective."


Praise the Lord! Thank you for praying for all 5 of us! We love you all and appreciate all of your kindnesses to us! INCREDIBLE blessing!

(P.S. In the future, I'll try to do a better job of posting on his blog when he doesn't have the energy/focus to do so!)

A Real Curve Ball

Body: Many of you know that today I had a PET scan and an appointment with my doctor to review progress and lay out "next steps" in my treatment. The nice, neat plans went out the window as the doctor was very surprised to see that my cancer has actually grown significantly since the last PET scan.

That wasn't the news we were hoping for and we talked with the doctor about many options...many of which are just now being considered by my doctor. The bottom line is that this is disappointing news and keeps me focused on the things that will not change and that cancer cannot touch.

I will be heading into the hospital on Wednesday for four days of chemo and the doctor has warned me that it won't be a lot of fun. I hesitate to mention anything else at this point because after this chemo, he will give me another PET scan before any final decisions are made as to future directions.

Spirit: Yesterday and again this morning I read the following Puritan Prayer from The Valley Of Vision. It was a great blessing then...and is even more precious now. If you decide to read it, read slowly and thoughtfully. There is a lot here for me and I hope for you.

The All-Good

MY GOD

Thou hast helped me to see,

that whatever good be in honor and rejoicing,

how good is He who gives them, and can withdraw them;

that blessedness does not lie so much

in receiving good from and in Thee, but

in holding forth Thy glory and virtue;

that it is an amazing thing

to see Deity in a creature, speaking, acting, filling, shining through it;

that nothing is good but Thee,

that I am near good when I am near Thee,

that to be like Thee is a glorious thing:

This is my magnet, my attraction.

Thou art all my good in times of peace,

my only support in days of trouble,

my one sufficiency when life shall end.

Help me to see how good Thy will is in all,

and even when it crosses mine

teach me to be pleased with it.

Grant me to feel Thee in fire, and food and every providence,

and to see that Thy many gifts and creatures

are but Thy hands and fingers taking hold of me.

Thou bottomless fountain of all good,

I give myself to Thee out of love,

for all I have or own is Thine,

my goods, family, church, self,

to do with as Thou wilt,

to honor Thyself by me, and by all mine.

If it be consistent with Thy eternal counsels,

the purpose of Thy grace,

and the great ends of Thy glory,

then bestow upon me the blessings of Thy comforts;

If not, let me resign myself to Thy wiser determinations.

Now doesn't that just give us some really good food for thought? It's still a curve ball to me, but I'm in good hands. Thanks for praying.

Somebody's Been Praying

Body: There are key numbers that the medical team look for as they assess stem cell collection. The most important being the actual number of stem cells that are collected on a given day.

Monday, that key number was 18 and the number of stem cells collected was 1.6 million (I know, it was revised upward...I don't know how this works, I just report the facts).

Tuesday, the key number was 14 which was not very encouraging! I don't think the medical team was too excited either because they increased the amount of meds I receive by injection to stimulate the stem cell release into my blood stream. I actually was called a tortoise in stem cell production!! Can you believe it? They also were quick to say that the tortoise won the race! :)

Last night was a long night for a number of reasons and as we got started with the apheresis this morning, I just wanted to rest as much as I could. First, they told me that while my key number yesterday was down, the collection was still good...another 1.6 million stem cells. (That's a total of 3.2 million.) When the labs came back this morning there were a lot of "high fives" given. My key number was 66...I had suddenly become a hare! Based on their calculations, they were optomistic that today might be the last day required for collection.

Well, I just got the call from Yale and another 3.6 million stem cells are "in the bag" and "in liquid nitrogen." That is a total of 6.8 million stem cells. My doctor is satisfied with the amount collected and I'm finished with this portion of the journey.

Tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. I head back to have the catheter removed.

On Monday I have a PET scan and meeting with the doctor which will be significant as this journey unfolds.

Spirit: Thanks for your faithful prayer support. The Lord continues to be most gracious and I am exceedingly blessed. One of those great blessings is a loving and prayerful church family. Hope does not disappoint...Praise His name!

Goooooo Stem Cells!!

Body: Many of you have been specifically praying for me this week as it is stem cell collection time...take two. As many know, the first attempt was abandoned because my body was just not producing and releasing enough stem cells to make the harvest worthwhile.

On Monday I had a procedure to add a central line catheter in my neck and started receiving special shots to boost the counts and "kick them out" into my blood stream. On Tuesday, we had a good day with 1.5 million stem cells collected (no wonder I was tired at the end of the day!). Today, a key indicator of stem cell presence was lower, so the harvest will, no doubt, be lower as well. To address this, I was given an extra couple of shots this evening which will hopefully mean a good "harvest" tomorrow.

Continue to pray that enough stem cells will be produced and released so the proper counts can be achieved. They are hoping that we'll have enough with Friday's procedure, but there is always Saturday and Sunday as well, if needed.

I do have a PET scan and a doctor's appointment on Monday which will be the next point at which plans for future treatment will be discussed...and I'll be sure to keep you posted. I'll also let you know how the "harvest" is going with some short entries tomorrow and Friday.

Spirit: "A Shield Around Me" Psalm 3:3
Having completed the Old Testament last week and with the church family at Calvary being encouraged to read through the Psalms, I was greatly blessed when I came upon Psalm 3:3, "But You are a shield around me, O Lord; You bestow glory on me and lift up my head." The context is clearly set in vs 1-2 where an unidentified set of enemies are opposing and the naysayers, in chorus, are saying God will not help him.

That is a situation where God is always at His best!! And the Psalmist uses a wonderfully powerful image to describe this Ever-Present and All-Powerful Protector.

A shield is always focused in one direction and provides great protection from an advancing enemy. But God is more than that. He is a shield in front and back...on both sides...above...below...and, I would include, inside! He IS THE Protector! Enough said!

As a result, the Psalmist can lay down to rest fully and sleep peacefully (vs 5), no matter how many are lined up against him (see vs 6 - "tens of thousands").

How I need assurance of that protection today as I continue this cancer journey...as I battle an enemy within. There is a God in heaven who protects His own for His purposes. So I say with the Psalmist, "Arise O Lord. Deliver me, O my God." How grateful I am for His presence and encouragement through a timely word about His protection.

"Thank you, Lord. I can rest because You are on guard. You watch continually. I am blessed and safe in Your 24/7 care. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!"

Set Back, Reprieve, and a New Plan

Body:
Set Back -- As the nurse said to us today, "Your body is really tired from all the chemo." While my counts are climbing, the stem cell count isn't climbing as quickly as they would like. If they went ahead with stem cell collection, it would take a number of days...too many. That is disappointing, obviously, because we would like to see this process continue and come to completion as quickly as possible.

Reprieve -- So they told me that for the next several days (until July 26), I don't need to have any blood tests, extra medications, chemo or doctor's visits. In other words, I get a 10 day vacation! I must tell you, I'm not too unhappy about that. I will try not to overdo, but this is a great blessing and I'm looking forward to a more normal life with family and church for the next week and a half.

New Plan -- Starting Friday, July 23, my ladies will start giving me two Neupogen shots daily which mobilize stem cells. On Monday, July 26, I go in for blood work and the placement of a catheter in my neck through which the stem cell collection will occur. That afternoon I'll have a shot of Plerixafor which expedites the process even more. Stem cell collection will take place beginning Tuesday morning and could take up to four days.

Following the stem cell collection, I'm scheduled for another PET scan on Monday, August 2, and an appointment with my doctor for evaluation on progress being made. I may then possibly have another regimen of chemo as an inpatient at Yale beginning Wednesday and being discharged Saturday or Sunday.

Spirit: So that's the new plan for the next couple of weeks. It is nice to have a game plan and I ask you to be praying that the plans which unfolded today will be blessed and used by the Lord for good. I continue to be grateful for His goodness and confident in Him because Hope Does Not Disappoint.

I just want to say "Thank you" from my heart for so many kind and encouraging notes, calls, emails, Facebook posts, offers of help, meals, and especially assurances of prayer. God is using you to keep us strong in the struggle. At our most vulnerable times, your prayers are lifting us up and moving us forward. God is so very good!!

The Next Opportunity

Body: It has been quite some time since my last blog entry and there's a reason....this last treatment was a tough one. I've been laying low for a week with assorted side effects, etc. Right now the key issue is blood levels. They have been low and getting lower since Tuesday. Friday, I received platelets and I will be going back tomorrow morning for another blood test to see how things are progressing.

What is next on the agenda is stem cell collection which, believe it or not, could begin on Monday morning! If blood levels are right, I will be hooked up to a machine which draws my blood out, filters out stem cells, and returns the blood...all in one smooth motion. I can only imagine the cost of that machine...and this treatment. (Thankfully, I only have to imagine...the church has provided us with great insurance coverage!) It could take one to four days of stem cell collection to have "enough" (whatever that correct amount is). These will be frozen and kept for a later date when the chemo is completed and they are ready to "plant" these "seeds" back in my bone marrow for "sprouting."

So, the key prayer request I would share is for blood levels to build back up to normal and that the stem cell collection would go smoothly this week. Pray too for opportunities to represent Jesus well. Thanks to so many who have expressed the fact that they are praying for us regularly. Your support has been a key part of our encouragement and strength during these challenging days.

Spirit: "Even Now" Joel 2:12
God's character traits of holiness and righteousness are clearly seen in Scripture in some remarkable places - - the precision of the Tabernacle and sacrificial system; the detail of the priests' approach to God; His judgments; etc.

But His character traits of love, grace and mercy are equally clear and revealed in special ways, even in the Old Testament. Joel 2:12 is one of those places and it takes the form of two words, "Even now..." From Joel 1:1 -- 2:11, God is ready to judge severely. Notice Joel 2:11, "The day of the Lord is great; it is dreadful. Who can endure it?" The Day of the Lord is a dreadful day of judgment. But it all changes from Joel 2:12 -- 3:21 for Israel. If Israel repents, God will forgive and spare them. And it all begins with those two words of transition, "even now."

"Even now" means it's not too late.
"Even now" says there is a future in spite of the failures of the past.
"Even now" says don't give up no matter how bad the past has been.
"Even now" offers hope to repentant souls.

Am I ever glad for "even now!" I have needed it this week as emotions bounce, as plans change, as physical strength wanes. My reactions have not always been "pastoral" and I've needed "even now." Probably some of you need those words today, too. He is so good! We are so blessed!

"Lord, I rejoice that You are a God who says, "Even now..." a lot!! Because I need it a lot! Praise Your Name!"

Continuing the Journey

Greetings blog followers! This is Krista McIntyre, guest writer and Pastor Dave’s oldest daughter. I feel honored to be writing here today, and though I’m not new to the “blog world,” I was hesitant to take on this responsibility because I didn’t think that there was anything that I could share that would match the deep entries that my Dad has written. But I get to bring a different perspective this week; mostly as an observer. This is sometimes the hardest place to be -- it’s frustrating, infuriating, and somewhat depressing.

A little background: I was more than an observer, I was the “caregiver” this week. My Mom had the privilege of accompanying the youth group to the EFCA National Conference in Columbus, Ohio for the week. This was a difficult decision for her, but it was a great opportunity for Elise and me to spend some quality time with Dad.

We reported to Yale-New Haven Hospital on Tuesday, June 29. We rode on the elevator past the familiar floors of the Smilow Cancer Center where I had spent time in the past and I began to get nervous. What was I thinking that I could possibly care for Dad in the ways he needed!? We got to his room and he was immediately given instructions about the floor, his room, and he was given an overview for what was going to happen while he was there. My head began to spin with different medications’ names that I didn’t understand and the sinking feeling in my stomach began to feel stronger. Dad looked calm; ready to take on the world, which is one of the many reasons I respect and love him so much. He never seems thrown by the craziness of life because he is so firmly set in Christ. The medicine took a while to be ordered, but we finally began the chemo at 4:00. This chemo ended at 10:00 PM and by 11:00 PM he started his 24-hour dose of chemo #2. Elise (who joined me everyday after work) and I left at around 10:00. He seemed apprehensive about the side effects, but at that point, he still was feeling fine and he had been very encouraged because he met with his small group in his hospital room.

Wednesday morning I came in around 8:45 with Dunkin’ Donuts coffee (as requested) and Dad looked great! He was sitting up, he was cheerful, and was feeling fine. He had already eaten his breakfast and was working on emails for church. I was surprised. I had expected to see my Dad in horrible shape, and it was such an encouragement to my heart to see him alert. During the day people came to visit and Dad used any opportunity he was given to share the gospel with the nurses and physicians caring for him. He was quickly becoming one of the favorite patients on the 11th floor, and I can’t say I was surprised. When Elise and I left at 9:30 Dad was still feeling well and it was almost time to switch the treatments.

Thursday morning I walked in and saw an immediate change. Although it was almost 9:00 Dad was still dozing and he actually looked sick. My stomach sank and a feeling of panic took over as I asked how he was feeling. I already knew the answer before he spoke. He wasn’t feeling well; this was the beginning of his long summer. My stomach continued to churn as I asked what I could do, and for the first time in three days, he said there was nothing I could do. I felt helpless and as nurses came to check on him I felt even more so. I went down to a garden on the 7th floor and as I sat on a rock in the beautiful July sunshine, I cried. I didn’t just cry a few tears, I sobbed uncontrollably as mascara dripped down my cheeks. I cried because there was nothing I could do, because I was angry, and because I felt so useless. This was my Daddy and I wanted to make him feel better and I couldn’t. I wanted God to fix it. I realized I was angry and frustrated because God hadn’t answered my prayers. All of Calvary Church was praying for my Dad and this is how God answered our prayers?? I recollected myself and let him sleep until the final treatment ended at 2:00 and we went home at 3:00. He slept for the rest of the afternoon, and after eating some toast and fruit he went to sleep.

Friday and today (Saturday) looked similar to Thursday afternoon, lots of sleeping and not a lot of eating because Dad doesn’t have the energy or the appetite. I don’t know if we see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I’m straining my eyes waiting for it, and I’m sure Dad is too.

Rereading some of my Dad’s posts, he always encourages his readers with what he is learning through this place in life, and even though this post is WAY longer than any of Dad’s, I want to make sure I add in this piece of what God is teaching me.

Earlier I said I’m an observer. I don’t feel the pain, but I see it. I’m starting to see, among other things, that God has placed my father in each of our lives to show us a Godly example of how to handle struggles.

Sometimes I am admittedly selfish and I don’t know why God is using these circumstances in his life. He’s the man who wiped my tears when I scraped my knee, he’s the man who bought me my first Bible, he’s the man who led me to Christ, the man who has listened intently to every story I’ve ever told, and he’s the man who’s been excited for each success I’ve ever had and has comforted me after each failure. He was the man that carried furniture to my dorm room and the man who prayed with me over the phone the day I started my job. He’ll eventually be the man who walks me down the aisle to my husband, and the man who will hold my children and guide them as he has guided me.

I’ve had time to think and process what is happening. He’s humble, generous, and loving. He’s focused on the right things in life and is always striving to allow his life to be an example and a witness to those around him. My Dad is an amazing man.

God has allowed him to go through this suffering to encourage and to challenge you and me. No matter what we are struggling with, God can use it to further His kingdom…if we allow Him to. I admit that this is something I struggle with. I struggle with feeling angry about my Dad’s cancer, but since his diagnosis God has taught me to trust and be thankful for how He is using my Dad in my life and in the lives of others. When I focus on that, I see that God has given me great witnessing opportunities with my co-workers and has allowed me to encourage some of my college friends and even some of you at Calvary Church.

As an observer of my Dad, I am learning that I can encourage others no matter what is happening in my life. It’s a daily choice, but when I do, I’m blessed.

Thanks for letting me share with you. Thanks for being a part of my Dad’s life. Thanks for taking care of him and using your gifts to encourage him. As a family we can never begin to express it enough.

A Long Summer

Body:
When last we met on this blog the suspense was building as the doctor was weighing different treatment options. (a little humorous review:-) Well, the suspense was ended on Thursday when I went for a blood test. (By the way, there were significant improvements in my blood levels.) Because I hadn't received a phone call from the doctor, I asked the nurse if she could find out what he had planned. They answered "big time!" They dumped the whole truckload. I met with the assistant and with the transplant coordinator. They told me all that is projected to take place and gave me a rough timeline for these events...which can be summarized with this blog title: A Long Summer!

Next week I will be an inpatient at Yale for three days (Tuesday -- Thursday) to receive a new and very potent chemo followed by 12 daily shots to boost blood levels until the collection of my stem cells for the future transplant. Then, after meeting with the doctor about a week later, I'll be an inpatient at Yale again for four days (Wednesday -- Sunday) for another type of chemo. After this, there will be a couple weeks of monitoring blood levels in preparation for another doctor's appointment and the intensive chemo that prepares me for the stem cell transplant.

Key point: This will be an "all summer" situation...and well into September.

Spirit:
I must confess I wasn't ready for that...and I've spent the last couple days processing it. I found the "Why?" question pushing its way to the surface...which is usually the prelude to a "pity party" focused on the injustices of life and even suspicions about God's plan. There was also a heaviness as I thought about the summer and the challenges before me...a lot of unfamiliar territory. The seriousness of my condition and the lengths to which doctors were going to go to fight this cancer added to the heaviness of my heart. Finally, there were complaints in my spirit about the way the hospital staff dumped this truckload of information on me...and then sent me on my way.

Summary: I wasn't in a very good place.

So what has made the difference in these days as I have processed these realities? There are a couple of observations that have helped me. First, I realized I was living the whole summer, all the treatments, the seriousness of the condition, and the myriad of unknowns in a single moment of time! That's a pretty heavy load...and it is one God never intended me to carry. His grace is measured out for each day and I can't carry tomorrow's struggles today and have enough grace to carry the load. Some would state the principle this way, "One day at a time." I would prefer to state it this way, "Yet I call this to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.'" (Lam. 3:21-24) Granted, it's a little longer...not as pithy or memorable, but infinitely more meaningful to the believer.

Second, reflecting on the truths of the passage I'll be preaching on Sunday had a wonderful calming and re-focusing effect. The truth of Scripture always does that. In Ephesians 6:23-24 there are four key blessings that Paul prays God will give to the believers: Peace, Love, Faith, and Grace. How can you NOT be re-focused if you spend a little time reflecting on these words? God wants my life to be marked by His peace, love, faith, and grace. Wow! How blessed I am!

So, with renewed focus, perspective and appreciation, I wait expectantly for the Lord's provision for every challenge that comes my way because, as a blog I am familiar with says, "Hope does not disappoint!"

A Full Day

Body: Yesterday was a full day at Yale as I had a blood test at 9, a PET scan at 11, treatment at 12:30 and a doctor's appointment at 2:30. I'm getting to know the new Smilow Cancer Hospital very well!

Here is the bottom line on yesterday's activities. Blood counts were low enough that I was given a blood transfusion. How thankful I am for those blood drives that Calvary has and the people who are willing to give blood. I've always been on the "giving" end...this was a first, being on the "receiving" end...and I'm very grateful.

The PET Scan revealed that the cancer spot is smaller, but still there, clearly. The doctor, Andrea and I talked about various options which he is now weighing. He'll get back to me in a couple of days with that which he thinks is best. So it appears there will be another treatment step before the "intensive" step of the stem cell transplant (my own stem cells).

Thanks so much for your notes, emails, Facebook posts and calls of encouragement and prayer support. Each is treasured!

Spirit: "The Downside of Knowledge" Daniel 5
We frequently hear the comment that knowledge is a wonderful thing. Having knowledge opens doors; it allows advancement because that which is learned acts like a foundation or platform upon which we can stand to reach new heights; it advances careers, as those who know more are given prime jobs (see Daniel 1). Knowledge is always a good thing.

However, there is a downside to knowledge which this text illustrates. Knowledge brings responsibility with it. If you "know", you are responsible to act in light of that knowledge...and sometimes we don't want to act responsibly.

That's Belshazzar!! God treated his father differently, giving him a "second chance" because Nebuchadnezzar didn't know. He cut Belshazzar off immediately, without warning or second chance because he knew and was responsible but was disobedient. Daniel goes right after it in verses 18f in his preamble to interpreting the writing on the wall.

I have been given much knowledge...we all have. The church in America has more knowledge of Scripture available to it than any place on earth. With knowledge comes responsibility. I don't live up to that responsibility many times. The knowledge I emphasize is that God is gracious and forgiving. I know God is forgiving and assume He will give second, third, fourth....chances. I don't act on the knowledge that God is holy and in every situation I am to do His will.

Can anyone identify with this tendency? How does that verse go, "to whom much is given, much will be required"? I think that works with knowledge as well.

Blood Work And The Week Ahead

Body:
It's been more than a week since I was thanking the Lord that blood levels were in the normal range so I could have the next round of chemo. Well let me tell you something...I wasn't feeling too thankful last weekend! The last round hit me pretty hard on Saturday and Sunday, but by Monday, I was feeling better and was able to work most of the day on Tuesday and lead my Community@Calvary that evening.

Today, I must confess, I was expecting my blood work would indicate a blood transfusion would be needed because blood levels were too low. Another surprise: whites are in the LL (very low) category but reds are just in the L (low) category...and not as bad as the results after the first round of this new regimen.

So, I'll need to be careful about my "people contact" this weekend and I would appreciate your prayer for my physical health (I've felt the early symptoms of a cold coming).

Another prayer request concerns Monday's coming events: I have a blood draw at 9:00 am; a PET Scan at 11:00 am; treatment at 12:30 pm; and I see my doctor at 2:20 pm for the wrap-up report on where we are and what the game plan is going forward. Thanks for your prayers.

Spirit: Daniel 1:8 "The Resolution"
Sometimes a small thing makes a huge difference in a life. A decision on a small issue sets in motion a whole cascading set of effects that change every other decision and the course of life. This is what I see in Daniel's resolution/determination in vs 8. He may not have had in mind all the decisions he would make throughout the book, but this one made those possible and set them in motion.

It actually was a minor issue, when you think about it -- food. It could easily have been excused or rationalized. But Daniel resolved not to let it go or allow it to be minor. And his life and blessing were very different as a result.

How many times, especially as I am older, do I let things slide; does my resolve get sacrificed; does my determination get trumped by things I know aren't best. They may not be huge, but they are clear. This is the essence of discipline -- one resolution at a time. This changes the course of a life. This is what God sees and blesses. This is uphill living. This is God honoring! This is making a difference for God and good in the world.

"Lord, I haven't 'done a Daniel' often enough in my life. Forgive me. I can't re-live those moments. But I can be like Daniel today for Your glory and honor. Help me to see and seize each opportunity."

Final Round Begun!!!

Body: Thank you to all of you who have been praying about low blood counts and have been wondering if I was able to begin the chemo regimen this week. Here is how God answered your prayer. My white counts continued to climb into normal range (4.2) AND my red counts went from 38 (LL) to 294 in one week (well into the normal range). This brought a "wow" from the nurse checking my counts. I say, "Praise God and thanks prayer warriors." So, they began the last round of treatment yesterday and today I continued with it.

The infusions have gone well...they have just taken a long time and I feel tired at the end of the day (completed at 4:00 pm yesterday and 3:00 today). There are a few side effects which are more of a nuisance than anything else. I can't complain a bit. The Lord has been so very gracious!!

Spirit: From the heart...this past week has had some very bright and dark days. Our family continues to do well as we adjust to the home going of Dad Landru. Andrea speaks to Mom regularly and we are grateful for a loving family that is close at hand to offer assistance and support to her. But we also know she grieves deeply and Andrea grieves too. Thanks for remembering these special ladies in my life.

My Mom undergoes hip replacement surgery on Monday which is a concern as she has osteoporosis and is 86 years of age. However, she is active and this is really cramping her style. So, by God's grace, she will be up and at 'em in a few weeks. Please pray.

Many of you know that Krista's job was terminated due to budget constraints of the Waukegan school system. We rejoiced with her yesterday when she received a call that they have a position for her and are excited about her rejoining the faculty this fall. That has been the prayer of our heart for her because of the contribution she has made to the school and the love God has given her for the students. May this year be an even more productive year of ministry and service.

Personally, this week was a time of great joy as I was able to study and preach on Sunday. I was extra tired on Sunday afternoon, but the privilege of preaching the Word was a great joy. Monday, though was a very difficult day for me in a number of ways. The cascading together of several things brought me to the edge of real discouragement and despair. Not to worry, the Lord was very gracious and gave me some wonderful encouragement on Tuesday through the blood counts and some of the reading/curriculum evaluation I was doing. I was re-centered and re-focused by Tuesday afternoon.

I share this because spiritual attack can be so unexpected and intense. We must always be on guard. I would also share that as a result of this attack, I believe I have some insight into ministry improvement which will make a difference for the Kingdom as we move forward. What Satan means for evil, the Lord can use for good, if we are watching for it.

So, no passage from Scripture, but a personal life story from the McIntyre treasure trove of God's gracious lessons/blessings. Thanks for your love and support.

An Incredible Weekend -- The Update

Body: Thanks so much for your prayer support for our family this weekend. It was a special weekend to honor a much loved father, grandfather and servant of the Lord Jesus Christ. We flew to WI on Friday and the Lord kept us all healthy through the preparations for the service and a wonderfully full and meaningful service of tribute to dad and worship of the Lord. The entire "clan" (33 members at last count) were there and involved. Mom Landru is doing well, but difficult days lie ahead and I would appreciate your prayer support for her.

Many of you are aware that the blood counts last Thursday were very low (LL for my white counts and L for reds) which caused some concern and several lectures from the Yale staff about the seriousness of the situation as I travelled. I used a mask on the trips out and back and felt very good throughout the weekend. Thanks for praying. We arrived back from WI early this morning due to travel delays. I avoided as much contact with people as possible and was feeling great this morning.

Blood counts initially looked good this morning and they gave me part of the regimen, but then received word from the physician's assistant that my red counts were too low and so I would need to wait until next week for chemo. As I looked closely, the red counts are now LL, so I would appreciate your prayer about that as well.

Again, I have no anxiety about this and am resting in a Sovereign God who knows what should take place and when. I would ask that you pray that I can remain healthy this week and be ready for next Tuesday through Thursday!!

Your prayer support for Andrea, her mom, our family and her extended family have been so deeply appreciated. The Lord has been our Strength and Comfort. He is our Salvation.

Calling Out the Prayer Warriors!!

Body: Since my entry on Tuesday, I've been gaining strength and feeling so much better. I was able to work a full day yesterday and would have today except for my appointment at Yale for blood work.

The blood work revealed that my white counts are very low (I now have an "LL" next to my white count number...which is not good) and my red counts are getting there (still just one "L"). With the travel and funeral this weekend, the staff is very concerned about infection and went through the "drill" with me several times and from several angles.

Would you please pray that I am able to travel safely to and from Wisconsin; spend time with the extended family appropriately; and minister at the funeral of my father-in-law?

Yale staff still believe I'll be OK for chemo next week, which would be my heart's desire.

Spirit: Just want you to know that I am enjoying a peace that passes understanding. The Lord is good!

Quick Update

Body: Most of you are aware that I started a new regimen of chemo because of the "stubborn spot" revealed in the recent PET Scan. The three days of infusion went very well and I was able to do a graveside service on Friday for the Sampson family and a funeral service on Saturday for the Lewis family. The cumulative effect of this chemo began to really hit on Saturday.

There are a couple of needs that I share with you. The neuropathy (numbness in the fingers and feet) has been a real challenge and just plain old tiredness. I have found myself needing to rest a lot more than I would like...and not fighting it at all!

I'll have a blood test on Thursday which will likely reveal that the chemo has made blood counts very low. Please remember me in prayer with those low blood counts as our family gets on a plane on Friday along with all those recirculated germs to head for Wisconsin to be with family after the death of "Dad" Landru. This will be a bittersweet time as we remember a life well lived and mourn the loss...but not without incredible Hope in the Savior.

Spirit: Resting and waiting in the hope that does not disappoint. With confidence in the King and a desire to serve Him well...PD

My Portion, Settled and Sure

Body: I am now the proud possessor of a port! The procedure went very smoothly and in 2 1/2 hours, I was out and on my way. The port will make all the nurses in the chemo treatment area smile when I walk through the door, rather than run. Seriously, for that which is upcoming, this will save my veins and ease their job of administering the treatments.

The word is that tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m. I have blood drawn and 9:10 a.m. the first infusion of the new chemo. Thanks for your prayers.

Spirit: My Portion, Settled and Sure Lamentations 3:24f

Like many favorite passages of Scripture, Lamentations 3:22-23 (...His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.) has a larger context which is often missed. In reading this passage yesterday I was struck by vs 24, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."

When Israel was in Egypt, God promised them a portion in the promised land. That promise and that portion kept them going. It was their inheritance; the "pot of gold at the end of the rainbow"; the paycheck at the end of a long hard work week.

As Jeremiah surveyed the devastation all around him after Jerusalem's destruction, all he had was the Lord...and that was enough. He is my portion, my inheritance, my reward. No matter what was destroyed in the onslaught against Jerusalem, his portion could not be taken.

But he must have felt pretty empty as he looked around and saw the smouldering ruins and heard the groans of his people. That's where the most striking part of the statement comes in: "...therefore I will wait for Him." Because of the choice he has made as to his inheritance/reward (the Lord), he now indicates what his responsibility is: to wait. If God is God, then waiting for Him to act is the wisest thing a man/woman can do. If He is sufficient, then He is worth waiting for and waiting upon.

I find it also interesting that a choice he made in the past (decision concerning his "portion") puts into motion his plan of action now ("waiting"). He is not overwhelmed with, "What should I do?" "Where should I go?" "When should I act?" He knows the next move is God's...and he is to wait.

What that waiting looks like is described in vs 25-33. It involves time alone, struggle, even adversity and opposition. While it may seem at times that God has abandoned him, he is confident of God's compassion and His unfailing love in the end. Why? Because God is his portion!! So, whatever occurs, his course is set because of the "portion" he has chosen. His job description is also clear: wait!

This is a helpful section of Scripture for me as I go through this treatment for cancer. It reminds me of my job right now: waiting in quiet submission before Him, whatever is going on in life. It also reminds me that what I do now is the result of choices made years ago when God, in His grace, allowed me to see that He is what life is all about; He is the "grand prize." To know and love Him is what makes life meaningful. So, because He IS my portion, I will wait and watch to see His hand at work.

"Lord, You are my portion...the whole pie...all that matters. I wait for You to act concerning this cancer...whatever it may bring. May I not miss what You are doing and teaching."